{faith & love & being raw and open....on a blog?!}

How do you like the new navigation bar? I'm hoping to add more features to this blog in the coming weeks.

The above is also October's wallpaper! Head on over to get a copy for yourself!

Faith is a tricky thing. When you face your worst days, you often wonder where the Divine presence went -- weren't you just here with me, chatting about a new painting? About that cute pouch we're going to make together?

Hello? Are you there?

Yesterday was a hard day. A VERY hard day. I had no grace. I sobbed at work. I upset someone. Got bad news about my car and pending disability case. If there were ever a definition of hysterical, yesterday was my day to fill it. Every time someone hugged me or told me it would be okay, I broke down. Those deep, hitching, oh-my-God-I'm-sobbing-at-work tears that waterproof mascara was designed for.

And as I sat there sobbing, I prayed. Dear Divine, what the hell has gone wrong? Weren't we having an awesome time together?

When I got home, I was sent to bed. I felt like the heroine in some 18th century novel. "Oh, she's hysterical. Bed rest." Add in the doctor with his bag and bad beard and someone guarding the door, and BAM, I'm a Jane Austin character.

Which isn't half bad, if only for the wardrobe.

This morning, I woke up and took ten minutes to clear the dried tears from my eyes. Bounced back. Except for the rain, that my knees predicted yesterday, I'm doing well. Feeling much better. Did I just have a breakdown?

Last night, while watching recorded programs to distract myself, I drew. And not the girls I usually do -- those are done quickly, with little shaded detail -- but took the time to draw deep eyes. I swear, the second one took twenty minutes to get just right. And tears took over the page. In fact, I sat down to write this blog update three hours ago....and then was distracted by wanting to color the drawing with paint, and have spent the time shading. I think spending more time on this one has brought me more solace than a good night's sleep.

And I was daring. I drew her without clothes. Just the top! But still, this was hard for me, as nudity is an uncomfortable subject for me, even art-wise. I just felt something guiding my hand, telling me to expand to this uncomfortable and daring territory, to push through it and get it on the page. And I felt better. I'd challenged myself. I may never show it to anyone, because I don't know how it would be received, but I felt empowered as a woman and believer in a feminine Divine.

I don't know why I'm writing this -- I had something else in my head to write -- but know I had to. Lately, my blog has been a place to think on the page; writing for myself is okay, and I do it often in my journal, but longer writing, like this, only seems to flow when I know it may have an audience. Does that make any sense?

Okay, moving on!

The painting above was done on this new gessoed art board by Speedball. I was intrigued, and let me tell you, I DON'T like it. Really. I'm used to canvas and paper and maybe even canvas board. But the texture on this, the way the paint performed, I don't like it at ALL. But I finished anyway, wanting to complete something, and love what came out. I'm looking for deeper symbolism in my work, so it's beginning to come out. Slowly!

But the faith. Yes. I'm trying to work on a book. And I need the faith to take suggestions and improve on things, not be discouraged by them from an editor. That I've even gotten to that point is a good thing! But I find my voice is not "original" enough, that I don't have it down just yet. *sigh* More work, more prayer, more art. Isn't that what life's about?

And now, I'm off to play in my journal a bit more before going out with friends. Isn't that what life's about, too?

{aside: kurt halsey on a chilly autumn night}

In an effort to post more than just essays, here's a bit I found while searching for inspiration. After an unexpectedly early and busy day at work, I've taken to the couch with my journal to sketch out ideas for the two paintings I'm working on (and watching the Hell's Kitchen finale!). Brr! It's cold outside! Time to snuggle with the dogs!

Check out the redesign! I opted for a simple, hand-done design. 

Anyway, Kurt Halsey is hands down my favorite artist. I stumbled upon his work through icons on LiveJournal, and have been hooked ever since. His amazing drawings and paintings just radiate human emotion of all kinds. I even have some of his paintings hanging in my studio -- they were the first I ever bought. 

Go over to his site and check out his work, but not before you read this heartbreaking blog entry. Proof that even "real" artists have problems, and that making it your livelihood has its downside. 

{the power of dreams}

Good morning from the chilly Midwest!

Summer has turned to fall; outside, the air is still and silent, no more children laughing, or cars zooming down the street, sounds carried by waves of humidity wafting off the pavement. No, now, the air barely seems to move, a whisper stroking multi-colored leaves. I've never been a huge fan of autumn, but have come to appreciate the beauty each season brings. Soon, people will be bundled, hurrying from car to store and back again; no one goes outside during a Chicago winter.

After a month of spotty journaling, I'm back to creating oddles of pages. Above is one done after amazingly vivid dreams of me teaching and guiding others; I am filled with a sense that some power larger than myself is along for the ride, sitting beside me as I work toward making these things happen. They are the answers to many prayers for guidence and a clue as to what I am doing.

I originally took the job I have now as a way to have a steady paycheck and health insurance while working on more creative endevors. Now, I find myself working more and more and neglecting art and my writing -- two things that have been presented with so many oppertunities, only I've been too busy or tired to embrase them. Is that how it's supposed to be? I feel as though I've wandered off the path Divinity and I were skipping down, tangled in the brush. They are calling to me, trying to help me find my way back, but I am too frightened and torn-up to keep trying to follow their voice.

Does this make any sense? I find myself questioning more and more in this life I'm living, wondering how I got here. I need a way back to balance in my life; heck, I slept 12 hours last night, so exausted from work yesterday that I could barely move; my body felt so delicate and shattered. I'm not listening to it when it comes to limits, and I thought I'd gotten past that! Now, a promotion may be hiding in the wings, and instead of letting God take care of it, I'm pushing, pushing instead of cutting back, finding balance, figuring things out.

Sometimes, I could just smack myself. Ever feel like that?

So how do we get back? How do we find the faith and strength to get through the bush, back to the path and our waiting companion? Yes, we will get scratched up, and yes, it will be painful, but we have to, don't we? Unless we want life to be a constant struggle, lost out there with only a faint voice telling us it doesn't have to be this way. And here I am, clutching a clear vision from above, and what do I do? Say, "Yes, I will work on it. When I have time," instead of taking it for what it means.

I have to make the little changes that will add up over time. Honor my committments. Do my art. And have faith I'll find my way.

{kira's inspiration playlist}

I present my playlist for those days when the art just won't come, for when you're feeling small, or for when you're ready to groove and get creating!

Track Listing & Key Lyrics:

1. Wake Up -- Arcade Fire

Children wake up/hold your mistake up/before they turn the summer into dust.

2. The Wreckoning -- Boomkat

I came I saw I kicked some ass/The pain I cause it makes me laugh/'cause the way I do my thing is strange/I just inject myself into your veins, yeah

3. Busy -- Butterfly Boucher

This could be so fun/I might just like it/I might just love it/I might get busy/I might get lonely/I just don't know yet/Can't wait to find out

4. A Beautiful Book -- Butterfly Boucher

Well everything's full of derams for one thing...woo hoo/And everything's full of dreams for reasons

5. See The World -- Gomez

Day to day/Where do you want to be?/'Cos now you're trying to pick a fight/With everyone you need

6. It's Amazing -- Jem

trust your instincts and most importantly/you've got nothing to lose/just go for it/it's amazing/it's amazing/all that you can do

7. Keep on Walking -- Jem

God give me strength/to keep on walking

8. Got it Good -- Jem

Got a soul, got a mind, got a heart that beats in time /You've got a smile, got a voice, got the gift of love /You've got it good, don't forget how lucky you are /Darling, darling /Use it to connect with everyone

9. Bottle it Up -- Sara Bareilles

I don't claim to know much except soon as you start/To make room for the parts/That aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of/Love

* Everybody Got Their Something -- Nikki Costa

 Everybody got their something/Make you smile like an itty bitty child

* Suddenly I See -- KT Tunstall

Suddenly I see/This is what I wanna be/Suddenly I see/Why the hell it means so much to me

(the last two wouldn't work in the player, so are direct links.)

 >>listen here!<<

{disconnected moments}

Have you ever journaled something on a page, then gotten distracted -- three days later, you turn to the page, and you're no longer in the same mindset as when you started? What do you do? Will you continue on the vein you started simply to fill a page, or do you move on as well?

I recently was able to see many of my journal pages disconnected from context, ie, outside the side-by-side existence of being in a bound journal. And a thought struck me:

Sometimes, the pages with the least amount of words are the most powerful.

Take the one above. The first part at the top is about some tomatoes grown by the sisters at a local convent. They trade these sweet vegetables for coffee grounds to help fertilize their garden. Some weeks, we get cucumbers, or tomatoes, or other yummy veggies in exchange for our donation of grounds. And let me tell you, they were some of the most delicious foods I've ever tasted. When I first popped a cherry tomato in my mouth, I almost giggled, and knew I had to journal about it.

Only three little lines made it onto the page. That was all I had to say in order to remember.

A week and a half later, I felt some trepidation about what I'd been working on, a silly little self-indulgence story that would never be seen by anyone but trusted friends, instead of "real work" that needed to be done. Feeling the need to rationalize and validate my feelings, I turned to my journal, writing a paragraph before my break was finished.

A single paragraph that made me feel better.

Yesterday, looking at the page, I felt like doodling and coloring. So I played with some colored pencils, colored and drew, feeling better for doing some art for the day. I wrote about the rustle of leaves I could hear out my window.

A little fragment that reminds me of lying under the trees as a young child.

Your pages do not need to be completed at the same time, on the same day. They do not need to be filled with words or images of collaged bits to be "finished." You can add to pages days and weeks and months later as life progresses and changes and morphs and the leaves change color or snow falls. They are there for you when you want to remember, or need to write down a phone number from information. They are depositories of your day-to-day. No prompts needed. Just life.

Even the ugly pages have meaning. The blue page above didn't turn out how I'd like. But looking at it a month later, I can see how I felt on that day, remember hiking through the cool, still air of the woods, discovering a new sacred place with my four-legged companion. Not a beautiful page, or a nice one, but one with great meaning that will probably remain "unfinished."

Just like the one next to it. A single purple line. Beautiful in its simplicity.

Think about it for today. And everyday.